Why its ok to feel a little lost...

So you've spent three years drinking, attending a handful of lectures and participating in 236 all nighters in order to complete assignments last minute. Then of course you have an amaaaaazing day graduating - its legit like a second birthday - milk it for all its worth - you're proving you have brains and honestly, especially in my case, it was something worth celebrating. Anyway, so now you've thrown that hat in the air, drank some champers and caught up with your uni bessies, it's likely you'll wake up the following morning feeling like you've hit a bit of a brick wall.. Rihanna quote - 'What Now?'.

Of course, you've grafted for three years (kind of) in a degree with the hope it's going to give you some advantage into your career choice or because you like the student NUS discount - Potato/patato - so I suppose naturally thats where you're looking for the next step. However, despite the feeling of being in full time work in a job/career that you love with security, progression and opportunities at your feet, jumping straight into this serious adult life stuff may not be for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get all grown up and serious at some point in my life but after 16 odd years of education, relationships and other life ruling responsibilities, my first thought after graduation was OH EM GEE I have no ties now. Nothing. Well I started a full time job in customer service to keep me going of course but I had no ties that couldn't disappear with 30 days notice. So this was it. This is what freedom feels like. I've waited so long. Dreamt many times of this moment when I was sat at my laptop for hours on end fighting the urge to use Wikipedia and eat 67 chocolate bars. So, why do I feel lost?

Not lost as in - 'Which way is home?' - or lost as in - 'Where's all my mates? - when you're stood dribbling over a burger at 3am on the streets of Plym - no the lost as in.. what next? Yes I have freedom, no ties, nothing holding me back from doing whatever I want, the world is literally (as cringey and cliche as it sounds) my oyster. Yet here I am sat everyday attempting to plan the next step for the future with absolutely no idea where to start. It's almost as if you have too much choice - like when you're 6 in a shop with your Nan and you're told you can have whatever you like - it's so hard. I've also found however that although when people start disappearing around you to roam the world or drown under a mortgage, despite it feeling as if they've got their plan sorted and you're just here like SHIT, what day is it? - it's also a great way to decipher what you want. Everybody is different, I am well aware of that and all want different things from life (this is not meant to be a therapy session honestly) so it's important to understand there isn't a right or wrong answer, it's just about planning what's best for you.

I looked (not literally) at people buying houses, settling down, having babies and realised 'naaaaa that's not for me yet'. Defo in the future, but right now the thought of mini gingers running around taking all my attention, money and food makes me want to have a breakdown. The thought however, of exploring different places, meeting new people and escaping the 9-5 grind (mines actually more like 11-7 but you get the jist) made me buzz with excitement. My sister, best friend and a few others were already off on their own adventures and their stories, pictures and advice made me realise this is 100% what I want to do next. Lets attempt to keep up at this no ties business - I have just signed up to a new gym but by the time I'm all sorted this should not be an issue - phew. So now I feel a little more inspired, sorted, motivated, here's my little steps to try and avoiding wandering around aimlessly post-grad hoping for something to fall at your feet:

1) Don't let the thought of 'The world is your oyster' overwhelm you. It's a positive thing and should excite you, not literally make you pick up 493 brochures from a travel agents and apply to be a newsagent in Kazakhstan.
2) Before you start to plan and think about what you want - accept that there is no right or wrong. Literally, you can do life whatever way you fancy, so just because Mildred from number 48 has her career sorted and is on £48,000 a year does not mean she's winning at life. As soon as you realise this, you're already in a much better place.
3) Don't dwell on other peoples journeys (see step number 2) however do use them to your advantage. So as I mentioned, people settling down was not something I aspired too however people travelling did excite me. Have a gander and see what makes you envious, imagine yourself doing it and see if it makes you want to vom with fear or excitement - it should be a good clue.
4) Once you're at this point and think right ' I want to go to Asia and live with the Elephants and become adopted by them just like Mowgli from the Jungle Book'. (Oh yeah - another tip - do not use Disney for inspo - I don't want to break hearts but it's not real life and as much as we want it to be - it's not a fairytale - soz not soz). Then the next step is to plan how you're going to get there. It's so easy to think 'I want to do this.. and this ...' but without a plan it's never going to happen.
5) Set a date, a goal, set up a savings account, give yourself something to work towards. As soon as something, no matter how small is booked or planned, it becomes so real. 

So, I'm not saying this is the perfect way to sort your life out - nothing suits everybody. However from going through these motions - this is what helped me. Following these steps will not only motivate you to work hard and save but it also creates a positive, excited attitude where you'll be able to read the quote 'The world is your oyster' without shitting yourself.

Love M i c h a e l a x 

10 things I would tell my ten year old self...

After seeing a post online recently which was filled with words of advice from 30 year old women of what they'd advise ladies in their twenties,if I'm honest I found it pretty inspiring. It was interesting to see how a decade and a whole load of hindsight changed the way these ladies looked at life. So it got me thinking & gave me inspiration for my next post... What 10 things would I advise my 10 year old self...

1) No matter how much you fancy a style change or a fresh set of bangs DO NOT under any circumstances pick up a pair of kitchen scissors & remove any ginger hairs from your head. You are not Toni & Guy and you will be haunted by these photos reminding you of your lack of hairdressing skills for many, many years to come...

2) Always believe your gut instinct. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your intuition - regardless of how much you want something.

3) Regardless of how necessary it feels to send that 'I luv u' text at 3am in Walkabout, Plymouth. You will regret it in the morning. Like seriously you will wake up and remember even if you attempt to delete it from your life and you will feel so humiliated you will consider emigrating, a face lift, change of identity  or a punch in the face for being so stupid.

4) You will eventually grow some boobs... it may take time but they are on there way so do not feel the need to start saving for a boob job with your piggy bank, buying triple boost bras and stuffing rolls of toilet roll down them as a teenager.

5) You are a fiery little redhead and can often react to a shitty situation without any brain engagement and therefore in five minutes time when you've calmed down and become kinda human again, you will instantly regret everything you said and then spend the next three hours making endless cups of tea & endlessly grovelling.

6) As wonderful as Disney films & Rom-coms are it is highly unlikely your love life, choice of men and relationship with animals will reflect any kind of similarity. He won't climb onto your non-existent balcony at 3am declaring his love for you... thats actually kind of creepy - just saying.

7) Life goes crazily, stupidly, scarily quickly and theres nothing you can do about it. Make the most of every situation as it happens because before you know it you'll be sat writing a blog post at 9pm on a Tuesday night in your pyjamas reflecting on the previous decade...oh wait...

8) Do not dye your hair 'dark down' aka 'black' as your are naturally pale and covered in freckles and hair does grow. Therefore it will result in you spending most of your time buying boxes of hair dye and resembling the look of a Duracell battery. Embrace the ginger hair - You're a unique little ginge!

9) Change is inevitable in life so instead of trying to control it and stop it from happening, just go with the flow. It usually means you're on to bigger and better things anyway

10) You are enough & there is always someone who will appreciate that (This ones deep)

What ten things would you tell your ten year old self? Makes you think doesn't it! Let me know your thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

Love M i c h a e l a x 

The Positivity in Pageantry

With the pageant industry getting a bit of unnecessary stick recently, my little head thought (it hurt a lot) 'Why not write a really interesting blogpost on why pageants are amazing and why people should really get behind them' - Team Pageants right?! In all seriousness (I don't do serious very often as you can probably tell), it wasn't until I became involved with the competitions that I began to realise what they were really like and as well as answering a lot of questions I had, it helped me in so many ways - especially on a personal level (Check my last post about 'That Heartbreak Shit' - it's better than Bridget Jones - trust me).

I took part in my first pageant last September and had no idea what to expect. Loads of questions and judgements had gone through my mind and I now realise they were the same questions and opinions many people have when they show an interest in the industry. My favourite and most common question is...wait for it....So, do you have to get up on stage and like pray for world peace and that? - that may be in a slight Janner accent by the way - but the answer to that question is no. There's a little bit more too it than that but fair play, I never realised so many people (particularly men) had watched Miss Congeniality! Of course, all competitions are different but in relation to those I have participated in, the only talking that occurs on stages by the girls (contestants) was in the top 15 when they were asked a generic, relatable question such as... How did you raise so much money for charity and why etc etc?.... Not quite World Peace but still, it's a good little question right?

I believe pageants are positive because of three main reasons:

1) Charity work & Community Involvement
I 100% had no idea these factors even occurred or were part of the pageant process until I took part. Turns out - its actually a pretty big deal! Contestants are encouraged to raise money for a charity/charities often selected by the organiser which results in a lot of hours and dedication from each contestant in order to raise as much money as possible. Last year a group of 50 girls managed to raise £15,000 for Cancer Research UK - what a blimin' amazing achievement. As well as this, it is not uncommon to spot a 'Miss' out and about in the local community, supporting events and getting involved. It was only a few weeks ago I was on stage in Plymouth City Centre saying 'Hello and introducing myself as the current Miss Plymouth GB 2016/17 - I won't lie - I may have been a tad scared - but its opportunities like this that don't happen every day and are achievable due to these pageants and competitions taking place. Not only that getting on that stage and speaking through a microphone (bit different to Saturday night Karaoke down the local boozer) gave me a great confidence boost - something I've been trying to work on a lot in the past year - its ok, I have tissues and a violin with me - thanks for the sympathy though. 

2) Meeting new people and making friends
Sounds cheesier than a bag of Wotsits and cringe worthy and may make you want to throw up into a paper bag but before taking part last September, I thought the same as most people... 50 girls in the same room, competing for the same title - must be the bitchiest, scariest, claws out experience ever. Something I can honestly, hand on heart say, is a complete misconception - completely and utterly 100% wrong. I have managed to make friends from all over the country who still stay in contact now and support each other. That whole scenario of drunk girls in the toilets being all friendly etc? Well, this was the genuine, sober version with fewer eyebrow and lipstick compliments and more well done on your charity work, helping you zip up your dress and making memories together (way better) - and girls run the world right? We do a much better job when we love and support each other - Girl Power all the way!

3) Body Confidence
Probably the most controversial out of them all but I believe it to be the most important. Many pageants do have a swimwear/bikini round which some people may disagree with - something they of course are perfectly entitled to do. Yes, getting on stage in your bikini or swimsuit is daunting, scary and as some people have said 'brave' but its also one of the most exciting, satisfying experiences which I personally think should be celebrated by everyone who partakes. Why? Because we are in a world where body shaming unfortunately occurs on massive levels and being all 'team positivity' like I love to be, its important for me to find a situation that is successful in putting such activity to shame. If 50 girls feel confident enough with themselves, their hard work and the way they look to the point where they are proud to show it off on stage then this is definitely something that should be positively recognized and celebrated. If you've been smashing out 100 squats. 300 sit-ups, and using the Lean in 15 recipe book like a bible - then be proud of yourself and strut your stuff on stage like you're the best human being to ever walk the earth. You've earned the moment, the excitement and the satisfaction. Same goes if you haven't been smashing out 100 squats, 300 sit ups and using the Lean in 15 recipe book like a bible - be proud and own it. One of the most important but least given pieces of advice is the importance to 'Love Yourself'. There's nothing wrong with feeling good, feeling confident and feeling proud of yourself, regardless of who you are and how you look and if you want to show it off by strutting a pageant catwalk, then why the hell not?! This is one of the main reasons why I believe pageants are such a positive experience and shall continue to be so.

So there we have it, the three main reasons why I believe pageants to be a positive experience and should be recognized for what they enable young girlies to achieve. Let me know what you think of the pageant process...
Love M i c h a e l a x

Life with a fitbit

I'm not sure if it was the fact I thought I'd look like a super cool fitness fanatic or because I was genuinely interested in how many times my heart beats a minute (I do look like a super cool fitness fanatic with it on btw so mission accomplished) however whatever the reason, I have been a proud owner of the brand new, amazing, super duper, brilliant, superb fitbit blaze - this isn't a sponsored post, I'm just a very enthusiastic person - for just over a month now so thought the time was perfect to let you all know how I've been getting on with my new life companion. 

Now it all started once upon a time when a member of the fitfam came over to mine to annoy me for the evening, showing off her fancy new fitbit blaze - with a purple strap which isn't as good as mine- and straight away I decided I needed to get myself one. So there and then and £159.99 later (my bank account genuinely cried) I ordered mine - with the much more sophisticated black strap may I add - and just a few days later, my day was made when the postman delivered my fancy new fitbit (My days were seriously dull at the time). 

So yes it is a watch and it tells the time. I'm gradually getting used to looking at my wrist instead of my phone when checking the time - as if I wasn't already behind the times *rolls eyes in disgust*. However the fitbit blaze has loads of features which I was genuinely, like actually genuinely impressed with. It's one of those little gadgets that has you mesmerised at just how much it can do and you just want to know how, why, who, what, where, how. Here's just a few of the fancy bits it can do:

• PurePulse Heart Rate - basically tells you your heart rate all the time its on your wrist which is great when you're exercising so you can see how hard you're working or like me when you're laying in bed and start frantically googling a 'normal average resting heart rate' because mine was at 46bpm and I thought I was slipping into a coma or something. Turns out I'm actually FAF (apparently - thats what google kind of said anyway). It also lets you know what 'zone' you're in so cardio, fat burn and resting. Everytime I see I'm fat burning, I do a little dance and imagine the cookies I've just eaten literally falling off of my waist line.
• On Screen Workouts - sometimes my creative little mind struggles to think of exercises to do in between personal training and programme sessions *eye roll number two* therefore I loved the fact I could rely on my fitbit to give me some ideas. The 'FitStar' section includes a Warm Up, 7 Minute Workout and 10 minute Abs  and as well as counting for you and vibrating to let you know when to stop/start, it also shows you what to do on the screen - it's literally so blimin clever!
• Connected GPS - No more having to fuss with your phone, downloading Map My Run and fussing with your ugly arm strap - once its on I hate having to play with it *eye roll number 3* so I love the fact my little fit bit does all the fancy running GPS stuff itself. If you're heading out on a run or cycle simply tell your fitbit using the posh colour touch screen and it will track your route as well as of course, your pace, heart rate, calories burned etc - I swear a magician made it. One little tip however, if you are at the gym on a stationary watt bike, do not bother telling your fitbit you're going for a bike ride. I sweated my little heart out doing a 3K followed by interval 2K interval training and apparently I actually did 0K and burned 0 calories. This was of course because the bike actually wasn't moving anywhere - I know, I know - what an absolute dipshit. Just click on the workout section instead... works loads better. 
• Fitbit App - The watch works in sync with the fitbit app that you simply download onto your phone and its able to track and store all the info. This is where even MORE magic happens. It shows everything you have been up to - including all your stats from not just that day but months worth including charts so you can see all your progress. You simply open the app, it syncs with the watch really quickly and all the info is there for you to see. Also.. I know its just way too exciting isn't it?! - You can receive calls and text messages on it.... I'll just let that sink in a minute. So if you're out running and don't want to be seen to be associated with the ugly phone strap on your arm just look at your watch to read the message or see who's calling and control your music whilst pounding the pavements. It literally makes my day all the time and you look so cool when you read a message on your watch... nobody has actually told me that but I think it's probably true. 

That's probably my fav four features that impress me with my little fitbit but it does also monitor your sleep (including time asleep, restless periods and time awake - handy if you're a night time wee-er like me depending on the alcohol intake of course), how many calories you're burning, steps taken per day (the recommended daily amount is 10,000 btw), you can tell it your food and water intake as well as making and following a food plan. I literally don't know how much more I can say without bursting with excitement, its just THAT good. It picks up and knows when you're walking or doing exercises, you don't even need to tell it - although I've realised it does count hoovering as an aerobic workout but as far as I'm concerned, if you have to do it then you should defo get some reward from it. You can also have fitbit friends who you can message through the app and have little healthy competitions with. The watch comes with a charger that fully charges the device in 1-2 hours max so no time at all and literally lasts for days. Also one of my favourite things is the screen comes alive when you lift your wrist to look at it - I know I'm easily pleased and have been told many time *eye roll number 5?*.

Now the one thing I will say which I have noticed but managed to control is.... try not to become too obsessed with it to the point where it becomes a tad unhealthy. I've found myself freaking out a tad if it gets to 5pm and I've not completed 10,000 steps that day. Yes, this can and will encourage you to maybe got for a little walk or move from the sofa however DO NOT put added pressure on yourself because this is where it doesn't become a healthy accessory to your fitness life. Lazy days are allowed and are acceptable so if you don't manage your step count and burn thousands of calories, don't let it stress you out. Some days I'll smash through 10k steps by midday and other days it takes me way way longer and some days I may not manage it at all. What is important is using the fitbit to monitor yourself and your fitness in a way to track progress and to positively motivate you to be better than you were yesterday - I can sound so blimin inspirational sometimes.

I think I've covered it all, as you can tell there is ALOT to cover but if you head over to their website there is loads more info and you'll probably end up falling in love with one just like I did. I cannot be responsible for the damage to your bank account - Soz about that.

Click here to explore the magic

If you get one or already are a fitbit geek then let me know how you're getting on!

Love M I C H A E L A  x 

That heartbreak shit...

I've wanted to write this post for ages and ages but in all honesty, it never felt like the right time. Life has also been pretty crazy seeing as I love to juggle about 16 things at once, then wonder why I have several mental breakdowns leading to severe comfort eating and disgusting spot outbreaks - ew. But with uni now over and freedom upon me (Woohoo!), I'm desperate to get back into blogging and what better way to start again then with a deep, honest, slightly cringe post about that dreaded, awful, life changing shit - aka - heartbreak...*cue slow music*

I had heard people talking about it...I'd heard people saying how awful it is, how it changes you and how its one of the worst things you can experience. At this point of course, I was happily loved up in my first proper relationship thinking everything was pink, fluffy and unicorns did exist so it didn't mean much to me & I'd just do the tactful...'Oh yeah of course, hope you're ok.. whilst thinking 'just get drunk' or ' he was a dick anyway'. Little did I know I was going to know exactly what they meant.

I was in my relationship for three years & at 22 (when it finished - I'm old now)I thought that was pretty good going. Without going into loads of detail.. (you'll only get bored or vomit in your mouth).. we had a really good relationship & people would always comment on how happy we were etc.which was always so lovely to hear at a time where point-scoring and toxic relationships seemed to be at an all time high. However, things came to an end and was for me when the nightmare began.

Now to create some imagery in your head lets say I became a bit like Bridget Jones, without the pants - I managed to keep some dignity - but maybe a ginger Bridget Jones continuously laying in a pool of  tears, surviving on no sleep, coffee and the occasional - ok maybe constant - alcoholic party for one... got it? I know what you're thinking - what a catch ey? How could the relationship be over when she sounds THIS delightful? I know, I still don't understand it myself... maybe if you saw the 70 year old drug addict zombie for yourself you may think different - just maybe though.

I remember coming to work the next day after spending the night drowning in tears, listening to depressing love songs on YouTube (How on earth I thought that would help I do not know) and just spending the whole time feeling like I was in some kind of whirlwind trance. Nothing quite seemed real and yet everything was falling apart at once. Luckily everyone at work was brilliant & I didn't have to face any hotel guests looking as beautiful as I did - I think we'd have been closed down for Health and Safety reasons if people could have seen what was lurking behind the scenes - me. It was one of those times where you wanted everyone to know but you didn't want to tell anyone at the same time. I remember finishing work, showering and just wandering aimlessly around Plymouth eventually ending up at his place of work at the time. I'd already texted some of my family to let them know and after a few more tears (honestly how I didn't run out, I do not know) I was on my way to see them for some much needed TLC and reassurance I suppose that things were going to be ok. At that point in time I honestly think, you don't really care about the outcome, you just want it to stop.

Days went on, I'd told the girls who were brilliant as always & I was lucky enough to have an amazing friend who I worked with at the time who just didn't leave my side for two weeks or so. How she didn't have a mental breakdown herself I do not know. I'd constantly talk, never sleep, cry all over her, her house, her pet rabbit & that's without mentioning making her be seen in public with me.. street cred ruined. But it was brilliant - like having constant therapy on tap. She understood everything I said & constantly reassured me I wasn't turning Bipolar, its normal to think of crazy psycho scenarios in your head (the less said about those the better) & sitting drinking test tube shots on the kitchen floor at 4pm on a Friday afternoon was 100% the best way of dealing with things...ok maybe not... but yes it did happen.

I remember taking a couple of days out to visit my Dad with my older sister just to try and escape normal life. Nothing I could do meant escaping the thoughts in my head though. It was something that you just could not switch off and it honestly does drive you mad. And of course if you are a bit of an idiot like me then you'll obviously have Heart FM playing and because you're going through one of the worse pains ever, you can guarantee every other song is either Adele- Someone Like You, Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud or a personal fav of mine - James Bay - Let It Go. Of course because you are so emotionally stable at this point (not) all of a sudden you lose all control of your arms and cannot turn it over, you sit there, listening to the lyrics word for word and cue (once again) the river of tears down the face, making an already red, puffy and allergic reaction looking face even worse. I felt the couple of nights away helped - even if my Dad's idea of helping was an Indian meal where I ate half a poppadum, and him playing songs such as Paloma Faith - Only love can hurt like this on the jukebox, washed down with a vodka Crispy Bacon shot - yes it was as awful as it sounds. My mind was always at it though, you question every single thought in your mind. You look back on everything bad that's ever happened or every disagreement and wonder if you did something differently would this be happening right now. It doesn't help thinking this way, but there's no way of switching it off. Unfortunately, its just a case of letting it run its course and reminding yourself it won't last forever, even if it feels like it will at the time... trust me.

If you're reading this and thinking ' This is me right now' or 'So you're telling me all this but not telling me how to make it stop' then without sounding like Oprah here or a professional heartbreak counsellor, the thing that worked best for me was distraction and is what I tell people now who are going through the same thing or something similar. Looking back now, its so strange how it all worked out but only days after my break up, I was dozing on my grandparents sofa after another night grafting as Bridget when I received an email confirming my place in the Miss Great Britain final 2015 - crazy I know - and even now it sounds like something you see in those films that are so annoyingly unrealistic where the male runs through a lions den, a burning building and a hurricane to tell the girl he loves her just as she jets off to move to a different country - you get the point- but luckily for me, this news was 100% what got me back on track. The following three weeks sent me on a massive organized panic of preparations, charity work, planning etc which gave me little or no time to think about my sunken heart sat in my ass or to realise how much things were changing. Obviously, I'm not saying this situation is the cure or the only way to get over things is to become a Miss GB finalist but the point is to keep so busy that you literally think of nothing else. Find something that takes up your time, gives you drive and gets you out of bed in the morning when you've previously spent so long in there, its a surprise you've not evolved into a mattress. You may not get your appetite back straight away (The Heartbreak diet does exist by the way!) or get a solid 8 hours sleep every night but it definitely will make things easier and prevent afternoon benders, crying into wine bottles and going slightly insane. It doesn't last forever, you don't even notice you're coping with the situation but months later, I promise you'll look back and be in awe of how far you've come when at one point, moving forward seemed like the most impossible thing in the world. 
Oh & girls rule - so you've got this!

Love M i c h a e l a x